|Recap: 7-29, "Welcome To The Family"
||[Jul. 29th, 2006|09:39 am]
30 Minutes Of Raytardation: A Recap Community
And now...I bring you...OUR FIRST RECAP!|
This morning's episode is all about the in-laws. Rachael is preparing a "fool-proof" meal for her in-laws, who are aparentlyt eh most amazing people on the face of the Earth. But they're still bad Italians, because they don't like pieces of garlic in their food. HOW TERRIBLE! She's making Spicy Crab Sauce over Vermicelli, Beef Tenderloin bites, and an Amoretti Cookie and ice cream dessert. So, here is your recap:
Welcome to our very first every recap of 30 Minutes of Hell!
Rachael Ray starts today’s show with her usual hyperactive opening. “There are two little words that can make your heart skip a beat…IN LAWS!” Really, Rachael? I figured for you that was “low calorie.” She explains now that she’s going to make a meal for her in-laws to try and make what would be a “volatile” situation better. She’s making spicy crab pasta sauce over vermicelli (“that’s thin spaghetti”) and beef tenderloin bites over arugula. Oh, and an amoretti ice cream dessert. Oh yay.
As she begins to prepare her meal, she completely wastes about a minute and a half talking about her own in-laws. “They’re so sweet, they would never be stressful to cook for.” She continues to tell us about how they’re always all over each other, even though they’re older. I bet they’re really glad you shared that, Raytard.
Then she pours a massive amount of EVOOEXTRAVIRGINOLIVEOIL into two separate pans. She’s using one to flavor the breadcrumbs for her beef tenderloin bites and the other for her spicy crab sauce. For both, she definitely made a pretty good-sized pool of olive oil in the pan. She adds whole cloves of garlic to both pans, still telling us about how her in-laws are bad Italians because they don’t like garlic and onions. “They’re almost identical! They look alike, they like the same things…they’re like the perfect couple. Except me and John, of course.” Oh, barf. Don’t even try it, Retchel, we know that you have a miserable marriage.
She’s got the water on for the pasta, the meat resting, and garlic and shallots in the olive oil…and this all took 6 minutes! There’s time that was obviously completely wasted!
After the break, she completely re-explains her meal again, complete with slow and annoying hand-gestures. ”You probably thought I was just gonna put mushrooms and cream in a spicy crab sauce, didn’t you? Well I’m not!” she tells us. We obviously didn’t think that—that kind of craptastic stuff is reserved only for Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee. She embarrasses her in-laws again by pointing out, for the fifth time, that they don’t like pieces of garlic in their pasta sauce. I hope they disown her. Honestly, if this were my daughter in law, she’d be out the door.
She points out, once AGAIN, that the in-laws don’t eat garlic and that her father-in-law doesn’t eat a lot of seafood. I bet that’s because you try to serve him your bacon-wrapped shrimp and he hated it.
She mixes up breadcrumbs with cheese and a huge amount of olive oil from the pan to coat her beef tenderloin bites. Now she chops up her steaks, telling us that they’re filet mignon steaks and, ironically, points out again that this is a really affordable meal. Maybe for a woman who has a magazine and three TV shows! I can’t get four filet mignon steaks and a pound and a half of fresh lump crabmeat on my budget! This woman is off her rocker, I swear.
She cuts her beef tenderloins into “bites” and sticks them under her magic pop-up broiler. Then she makes her arugula bed for her tenderloin, which she drizzles with about a quarter of a cup of EVOOextravirginoliveoil. Sorry, but I don’t like my lettuce covered in EVOO. I mean, come on, is she trying to KILL her in-laws?
She adds sherry to her mushrooms and shallots in the pan for the crab sauce. I love how she thinks that everyone can afford sherry along with the filet and the lump crab. And yet, she adds cheap canned crushed tomatoes. This woman is a walking contradiction. She puts her vermicelli into the pasta water and, as a few strands fall out of the pot from her own clumsiness, she yells, “OOPS! A few of the kids didn’t want to go into the hot tub!” That’s because they were hoping for a better fate than to rest on your plate, Racahel!
So, to recap what’s going on so far: Oil-coated beef under the broiler, pasta cooking, and a bunch of crap (now including cream and a ton of lump crab meat) in her sauce pot. All that’s left is her pointless dessert and she should be able to serve this to her in-laws. Hopefully, they’re the kind of old people who can no longer taste anything.
Back from our last break, she dumps her breaded dog-turd tenderloins onto her oil-withered arugala and does her “big ta-da” which is squeezing lemon over the beef. Ew, beef and lemon. Gross. She drains her pasta and says, as she pours the hot water into the sink, “Lean back, you don’t want too much of a pasta facial.” You could really use any kind of facial, Raytard.
As she tosses her pasta with the sauce, she repeats every single ingredient in the sauce and how to make it. I guess I didn’t have to do anything but watch the last two minutes and I could know what she did in the whole show. For the last time, she points out that her in-laws don’t have garlic. That puts up my “in-laws don’t like garlic” mentions to 7. WTF? They’re ALLOWED to not like garlic! Just because you always have garlic breath doesn’t mean everyone else has to!
She makes her dessert and takes out amoretti cookies. “They’re awful nice and crunchy…isn’t that a great sentence?” she says with a squeaky, cigarette-laced laugh. “My mother would be so proud, she actually taught me how to talk pretty. I guess I forgot.” Wow, what a surprise!
She tops the amoretti cookies with lots of amaretto (That’s good, get ‘em drunk, that’s the only way they can stand you), French vanilla ice cream, and slivered almonds. That’s such an amazingly obvious recipe, I’m amazed. Not to mention that it’s such almond overkill! How much nut flavor could you cram into one dessert?
Her pasta dish looks like the time I barfed Spaghetti-Os. Paired with her dog-turd tenderloin and her over-nutted dessert, I bet the in-laws are gonna be begging for more! “See ya next time, on 30-Minute Meals!”
And, as a tip to you all, there's a Good Eats marathon today. Since we all know that Alton Brown is one of the few actually talented chefs on the Food Network, show your suppport! Watch a few episodes, it'll get the Retchel taste out of your mouth.