||[Aug. 3rd, 2006|10:33 pm]
30 Minutes Of Raytardation: A Recap Community
Today's recap is the 6:30 episode about "He-Man Eating." Rachael Ray insults another culture with her "Polish stir fry." It's a sad sight to behold. And you're probably fortunate enough to not have to, so I'll give you the highlights.|
“Are you described as “The Bottomless Pit” by friends and family?” she asks us in her intro. I bet you have your own experiences with that, right Rachael? She tells us that she’s going to make a stick-to-your-ribs, he-man meal today. How sexist. On the menu tonight? Polish stir-fry. Okay. What…THE…FUCK? POLISH STIR-FRY? Now I come from Pittsburgh. We have an entire NEIGHBORHOOD devoted to Poles and this is pissing me off so much right off the bat.
She starts off with some perogies. I eat these all the time at street fairs and stuff, and they’re really fantastic. She describes them as “potato dumplings” but there are a lot of different kinds of them. Potato, cheese, onion, pepper, even sauerkraut. She puts half a stick of butter in the bottom of a pan and throws in her perogies. Then she pulls out a big-ass kielbasa (we pronounce them ko-boss-ee in this neck of the woods, but she pronounces it pretty much like it’s spelled) and she cuts them into little tiny pieces and throws them into a pan with some oil. “Whenever I’m eating big, which is often, I like to balance things out by putting in a lot of vegetables so I don’t feel guilty.” Again, we realize now why she’ got such a fat-ass figure. Oh wait, she put it into a dry pan because “it renders its own fat.” Okay, is it just me or does that not make sense? Bacon renders a lot more fat and yet she adds half a bottle of EVOOextravirginoliveoil to that. Does this not make sense to you? Cause it doesn’t make any to me!
“I didn’t have time to wash my kale when I got it home from the grocery store…” Or, your production people didn’t have time to wash it? We all know, you can just admit it! She washes up a freaking TON of kale (it looks like a huge green wig) and turns her kielbasa. I’ll admit it looks really good, but that’s probably because she hasn’t had the chance to taint it yet.
She quickly tells us that this is going to be a very healthful meal (despite the half a stick of butter and fat in the kielbasa) and then says that “this meal was the brainchild of my FRIEND John.” This must have been before they were married and she calls him her “sweetie.”
She adds a touch of oil and butter (or three tablespoons of butter and a quarter cup of oil) for her onions and kale, and I‘m already cringing. This is going to be really quite disgusting, because Polish food is really good but I wouldn’t eat it all on top of each other. Then she opens a bag of sauerkraut, which is not really polish, and drains it. The kale joins the red onions and seasons everything,
Now she’s got the sauerkraut in with the kale and red onions and that looks amazingly unappetizing, and she’s lost me completely once she brings out sour cream to make a sauce. “Do I need my spices? I think I forgot my spices. Yeah, I need my spices.” Jesus. This woman needs to start using a little less sugar in all that coffee! She puts mustard and paprika, nothing that I would ever use in this dish, in with her vegetables.
She is making a sauce, and in the bowl that she puts the sauce in she grates an onion and then gives some stupid tip about “getting the onion smell off your hands with a stainless-steel utensil.” Okay, we don’t need to hear you give us timps on how to clean up—you obviously don’t know how to do it. She pours a ton of sour cream into the bowl and adds in some dill (“you can’t have Polish cooking without dill, right?” WRONG!) and that’s it, that’s her sauce. How stupid!
Finally, thankfully, she piles her food up on a platter. He perogies are completely scorched on one side and they would never go with that sauce. Ick. This is a miss all-around!