||[Sep. 28th, 2006|08:26 pm]
30 Minutes Of Raytardation: A Recap Community
This will be my first post. I am sitting with my laptop, about to watch the 6:30 episode of 30MM. I just caught sight of the putrid results of the 6:00 30MM. I don't know, nor to I wish to know, what that slop was, but it looks very similar to scrambled vomit. |
Try to wrap your head around this. Today’s monstrosity is a Monte Cristo Sandwich ala Rachael.
-Thick (1 ½ inch slices) of wheat bread dunked in an Egg, half-and-half and NUTMEG mixture.
- Smoked turkey
- Apple wood Bacon
- Sliced ham
…now that’s a “sammy” Rachael Ray style!
She fries up her bacon slices on a griddle and then melts butter allover the grease left from the bacon. She cuts up her bread and says she’s “saving the end of the bread for something else.” If I had to take a swing at what "something else" was I'd probably guess that she’s re-enforcing the padded bra she fails to fill. She drenches her fatty bread slices in the egg mixture and slops them onto her greasy buttery griddle. As the bread cooks up it forms a thick layer of scrambled egg around the slice. Truly amateur and vomit-worthy. Rachael tells us for the 4th time that she’s a real night owl and loves going out on the town with friends. She shares a story about how she loves to stop at a diner and eat Monte Cristo’s, a stack of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and an omelet when she gets the midnight munchies "late after a night with friends.” She’s “a BIG eater.” HA, your ass tells that story just fine Ray-Ray. Now she’s stacking the cranberry sauce, turkey, bacon (and she shares her expert method for putting bacon on bread and goes on a 2 minute tangent about how crisscrossing bacon is bad because you end up losing a piece) mustard ham and finally cheese. She pats herself on the back and says “NOICCCE” like a fat person after a 2hr fast. Her phrase of the night was definitely this: "you'd be lucky if you can fit your mouth around it"
… I’ll leave the insults up to your imaginations.
There is 10 minutes left and if she adds anything I’m going to fast for a week in protest of this meal.
While her sandwich sizzles away on the griddle and her nasty scrambled egg bread turns black, she shifts her attention to desert. As if to say, a dessert was necessary with her layered heart attack. She’s making a strawberry parfait. She starts by scooping out what looks to be rancid cottage cheese (she’s calling it yogurt) and goes on another tangent about how her mother had to trick her into eating fruits and vegetables by smothering them in pasta or yogurt. This lesson hasn’t helped her later in life and I think we’ve all noticed that. She tells us yet again that she was " always a late night eater- even as a little kid.” She starts toasting some nuts and says, “You never know what nuts you you’ll find in my cupboard. I am a nut freak. Never met a nut I didn’t like teeheeheeheehee- no pun intended” She teaches us how to smash up a granola bar and smiles like she’s figured out the secret to life and we’re just lucky enough to have this 30-minute peak into her celestial psyche. She microwaves her maple syrup “Microwaving maple syrup develops the flavor”. She haphazardly throws together her desert with layers of “yogurt”, nuts, granola and strawberries. She finally takes her “sammys” off the griddle, bottoms crusted black, and flops the 5lb fat-mountain onto a plate. This sandwich is easily 3-4inches thick. She then drowns the sandwich in maple syrup. I can hear her arteries hardening. Now I’m curled in the fetal position crying into my lap. I’ve lost my faith in humanity.